What Would Gwyneth Give?

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GynPI have complicated feelings for Gwyneth Paltrow. While most people fall into a love or hate camp, I’m decidedly mixed. Yes, she epitomizes white, thin, blonde, beautiful, wealthy and famous privilege.  She’s also an unapologetic pusher of her warped 1% agenda, but I can’t fault her earnestness. So she steams her vagina and boasts about the wood-burning pizza oven in her English garden (a must-have for any serious cook!) — at least she doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not (i.e, poor, brunette, fat). She was prescient about women’s lifestyle newsletters and her recipes and foam-rolling advice are decent.

You do you, G-Money.

With gift-giving season upon us, we can’t help but wonder, what will hostess-with-the-macrobiotic-mostess, Gwynnie P., be stuffing in the stockings of her friends-who-literally-have-everything? She did a “Ridiculous Gift Guide” over at Goop but catered too much to the proletariat by recommending more than one item under a Benjamin. Now that’s ridiculous.

The Gwyneth we know and love/hate/have mixed feelings for has a gift list like this [cue dreamy harp music strummed by not-too-plump cherubim]…

Image via Max Factor


TOM FORD LIPCOLOR SET, €1672

Tom Ford has called Gwyneth “the perfect person to dress” and she’s always a peahen in his front-row menagerie. You’ll never be invited to this rarified mutual masturbation club, but you can own a €1600 euro set of Tom’s lipsticks. Because why have one €40 lipstick when you can have fifty? This Christmas, throw the ultimate rainbow party!


 DOLCE & GABBANA CRYSTAL EMBELLISHED HEADPHONES WITH FOX FUR, €7,266 (SOLD OUT)

dgfurphonesGwyneth may be the planet’s biggest groupie. The other half of her conscious uncoupling is the Coldplay guy. Her ex-best friend is Madonna. And then, of course, there’s King Jay and Queen Bey. Your Spotify “Today’s Top Hits” list is her Friday night Jenga gang. A homemade mixtape (so pre-Etsy) of her greatest hits from “Country Strong” and “Glee,”  paired with €7000 Swarovski crystal and green fox fur headphones by Dolce & Gabbana, is the gift that says, “Now you have to listen to my demo.”


 HERMES HANDSTITCHED BASEBALL GLOVE, €13,000

hermesgloveJust because she spent a decade in London doesn’t mean Gwynnie has forgotten her American roots. Her progeny, Apple and Moses, are the right age to batter up, especially since they’re back on US soil. But let’s not pretend that any old Louisville Slugger mitt will do. Not when Hermès has painstakingly taken 25 hours to hand-stitch gold-swift calfskin into a baseball mitt fit for a pasha. Play ball with your hand swathed in a year of someone’s (state) college education!


 THE WORLD’S FIRST DIAMOND CHRISTMAS CRACKERS, €913,000

Crackers

Color us uncouth, but we only discovered what Christmas crackers were, um, last week. These gaily-wrapped favors make noise when you pull them apart. Have a small gift inside. Are what every chic hostess offers her holiday dinner guests. Gwyneth knows the surefire way to get her A-list mates scrabbling for a place at her table, Hunger Games-style, is a cracker that contains a flawless, three- to four-carat diamond inside. One that will be set “by Tresor Paris in an especially classic designed item of jewellery.” After all, a party can’t be considered a rousing success until someone launches an arrow into someone else’s heart. For a cracker.


THE MARTIN JETPACK, €138,000

jetpack-2One of things we admire most about Ms. Paltrow is how willing she is to go there—whether it’s the unshaven wasteland of ’70s bush or the fine living territory that was previously staked by that other tall, blonde patrician, Martha Stewart. After having conquered film, TV, blogging and the Tracy Anderson Method, Gwyneth’s sights are surely set on the final frontier. Imagine the lifestyle possibilities: Zero-Gravity Butt Exercises! Gourmet (& Gluten-Free) Galaxy! A NASA x goop Space Suit! What better way to zen out those logistics than zooming above tree-level in her own jetpack? Because if anyone lives by the Treat Yo Self philosophy, it’s Gwyneth “I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year” Paltrow.


What’s on your Christmas wish list this year? For some classic French gift ideas, check out our Timeless Gift Guide. And if you need gifts for the little ones, look at our guide to the Best Gifts for Kids. Let us know what you’re hoping Santa brings you on FacebookInstagram and Twitter. And sign up for our newsletter because it’s the holidays and you want to give us a gift. Merci!

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Maggie Kim

Maggie Kim is a writer, musician and the founder of LES LOLOS.

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