Ask A Frenchwoman: Is Cheating Not A Big Deal?

Dear Frenchwoman:

Are French people really having affairs all the time? If not, why the pervasive myth? Your politicians come away unscathed from their sexual escapades and having a lover seems like a very accepted, even sophisticated, thing to do. Affairs don’t destroy lives and end marriages and careers for the French the way they do for us Americans. Like topless sunbathing, is cheating no big deal?

What I find interesting about clichés is that they are so persistent.

You will never convince us that Americans don’t eat hotdogs and burgers all the time or don’t watch pay per view TV every night with huge tubs of buttery popcorn. Or that German women never have their bikini line waxed!

So the question is: Do French women have affairs and ménage à trois as often as wine & cheese?

I think France has always been very advanced concerning freedom of speech and liberty of customs. In 1968, our mums fought for us to be recognized as equal to men. I think being a Frenchwoman makes me more aware of owning my body and being the master of my decisions. As a woman, a wife and a mother, I am always the boss of me.

When I met P. and then married him, I officially proclaimed my decision to stay faithful. This is how I see it. It’s not an obligation dictated by the law — cheating on your spouse stopped being a felony in 1975. It is a decision I made 13 years ago when I met my man. (In the US, adultery is still illegal in 21 states! Ed.)

When I go out with girlfriends and get hit on, I decide not to go further because I decide to be faithful. I’m not blind or insensitive to someone’s beauty or charm but my libido is not dictating the rules. My brain is.

Now for people more “open” than me… Well, I have friends who cheated. Some came clean about it, some got caught, some got away with it. Of all those friends, only one couple has stayed together and is now in an open marriage, so I’m not sure that says a lot for the French libertine reputation.

One thing: I don’t know a woman who hasn’t had the conversation with her girlfriends, “What if I see your husband with another woman, do you want me to tell you?” Between French girls the answer is always, “No, but I want you to let my husband know that you know so he doesn’t do it again!”

I loooooove that answer! Oh yes, I LOVE it! It says so much about the degree of control our mothers taught us to have over our own lives.

I don’t agree with the idea that it’s okay in France for a politician to have an affair and not in the States. At least not anymore since Dominique Strauss-Kahn. When his sex habits became public, his career was finished. I think what happened to DSK definitely changed things in France for good.

Mitterrand had a wife, a mistress and an illegitimate daughter and the press said nothing about it. It wouldn’t happen today as the press is no longer the accomplice of politicians. See how they outed a closeted gay guy from the Front National and François Hollande with Julie Gayet? That would never have happened in the 80’s. Yes, François Hollande is a cheater and is still in office but will he be in two years? I’m not sure his personal life won’t be in the balance for the next election.

I was reading an article about teenage mums and I was quite appalled by the figures: In 2013, teenage pregnancy in the US was three times that of France. This is perhaps partly due to the trivalization of contraception rather than to abstinence but anyway… they call us naughty and pretend Americans are prudes?!?

I can’t stop laughing because the only thing I can think of is: We are all sluts whatever side of the ocean we’re on. So what?! I think the big difference with French women is… We like it! We like being sexy, are proud to be eyed up and quite enjoy that foreigners think we are open to anything.

Seriously, have you ever been in the shoes of a Frenchwoman who enters a bar? It rocks! Come along, we’ll show you!

Do you have something to Ask A Frenchwoman? Email frenchwoman@leslolos.com with your questions.